On Saturday, I attended Coffee and Conversations, hosted by Coach Noy. It was a beautiful gathering filled with laughter, love, real talk, and even a few tears. Shout out to Coach Noy for the inspiration to write this post.
One of the questions on the table was: Who would you most likely be offended by? The choices were: family, friends, co-workers, members of your household, classmates, and church members. Every choice could go either way, good or bad, because offense can happen anywhere people are in a relationship.
But when I looked at those cards, my hand went straight to friends. And here’s why:
Why It Hurts More When It’s a Friend
Friendship is supposed to be a soft place to land.
It’s where we go to exhale, to take off the armor, to let our hair down, to be held in love without having to perform.
But what happens when that safe place becomes the site of hurt? What happens when the people we trust most, the ones who’ve been invited into the inner rooms of our lives, are the ones who offend us?
We expect strangers to misread us. We even expect coworkers or acquaintances to misunderstand our boundaries.
But friends? Friends are supposed to know the weight of our silences, the shape of our laughter, the places where our spirits are still tender.
When a friend offends us, it cuts deeper because:
- We have history. They’ve seen us at our rawest, so their words or actions carry more gravity.
- We have unspoken agreements. Even if we’ve never said it aloud, there’s an understanding that we’ll honor each other’s dignity.
- We’ve already given them access. They don’t have to climb over walls; they’ve been given the keys.
The Womanist Call: Love Without Losing Yourself
A womanist perspective teaches us that relationships are sacred spaces. They are part of the spiritual and communal ecosystem that sustains us. That means making space for repair and reconciliation, but never at the expense of our self-worth.
Too often, we’re taught to “be the bigger person,” to minimize our pain in order to keep the peace. But peace that requires silencing your truth isn’t peace, it’s performance.
Setting boundaries with a friend who has offended you isn’t petty. It’s holy work. It says:
“I honor the love between us enough to tell you the truth. I honor myself enough to not shrink to make this easier for you.”
Practicing Community Care in Conflict
From a womanist lens, repair isn’t just about clearing the air, it’s about restoring balance in our communal ecosystem.
That might mean:
- Taking time to cool down before engaging.
- Naming the harm without attacking their character.
- Listening to understand their intention, while honoring the impact.
- Being open to growth on both sides.
The Invitation
Friendship will always carry the risk of offense, because intimacy means vulnerability. But when we approach offense with a commitment to truth-telling, boundary-setting, and mutual care, we can transform those moments into opportunities for deeper connection.
Because in the end, love that doesn’t honor truth isn’t love, it’s a shadow of it.
And sis, you deserve the whole, holy thing. 💜
For Colored Girls Who Lead 
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